Category: Humor

Suit Yourself

I’ve recently lost about 20lbs. As I was getting dressed for a meeting last week, my wife said I looked like a little kid wearing his dad’s suit. So, for a combined Father’s Day/Anniversary gift, she wanted to get me a new suit.

I remember one time on a home teaching visit my companion was going off on how great Men’s Warehouse was. He said they treat you like a king there. Buying a suit at Men’s Warehouse was obviously one of his favorite things to do. So that is where I first suggested we go. I hate to say this, but I was really dissappointed. Maybe it was the Salesperson, maybe it was the store, maybe it was the selection… I don’t know. I think more than anything though it was the Salesperson that bugged me. It was a girl wearing a mini skirt and big hoop earings – just not what I expected. I bought a sports jacket there that cost $160, plus $15 for alterations in the sleaves. I left feeling sick to my stomach, because I didn’t really like the jacket and I had just spent close to $200 on it. The next day I went back during lunch and got a refund. I have to commend them for that. It was very easy and no questions asked – litterally. They simply issued me a refund and said “Sorry it didn’t work out for you.”

I told my wife that I really wanted a suit rather than a sports jacket. Also, I had read recently that most millionaires buy their suits at JC Penny due to the price and quality of the suits. So last night we started there. I was please to find that they had a lot larger selection that I was led to believe by looking on their website. I was also please to see they were having a sale and many suits were 25-50% off. I could have bought a Dockers brand suit for as low as $100 for the jacket and pants, or other suits for $150. There were no sales people though. This was a good and a bad thing – good in the sense that I didn’t feel pressured in any way, bad in a sense that I’m no expert in picking out suits ;). We found a few we liked, but I wanted to check out Mr. Mac’s before making a purchase.

I bought my missionary suits at Mr. Mac’s. In fact, I bought most everything for my mission at Mr. Mac’s. I was pleased with everything I purchase there. Suits were durable and lasted my whole mission and them some. My white shirts were durable and ramained white beyond my mission as well, and that is saying something for some of the areas I served in.

So we drove to Mr. Mac’s. The salesman who helped us was an older gentleman. We told him what we were looking for and my size and he showed us our selection. I found a suit that my wife and I really liked for $300. But I remembered him telling us they had some suits that were 2 for $300. Being the budget concious man that I am, I could clearly see the value of getting two for the price of one ;). We found two suits that we liked and actually got them both for $275. Then we threw in some nice ties that they gave us a 50% discount on, and some socks.

One thing I really liked about Mr. Mac’s was that all the alterations are free for the life of the suit. At Men’s Warehouse they had different fees for all types of alterations. This means that if I happen to lose any more weight, or (heaven forbid) gain some weight, I can go back in and get free alterations again.

All in all, I spend $365 last night. But this time I didn’t feel that sick sense of spending money for something I didn’t want.

So, where do you prefer to get your suits?

What is your “Dream Calling”

Among conversations I have with people, this topic will occassionally come up. What calling in the church do you most aspire to? For me it is “Stake Sports Director!” Why? Well, I’ve always loved sports. Growing up in a small town there wasn’t much else to do. I played every sport available to me. Now that I’m married with small kids, the opportunity to be involved with sports is much less available to me. It’s hard to leave my wife at home with some ornery babies to go “play.” I’m guessing that with this calling, when I go play, or I go referree, or I go “oversee” a sports program, I would simply be fulfilling my calling. Plus, I don’t know much about this, but I would assume there is not a lot early morning meetings that need to be attended or lessons to prepare each week – not that I mind that stuff…

So what is your “Dream Calling?”

Recall Notice

My Grandma just sent this to me through e-mail. I’m sure it’s an old one, but still fun:

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a willful malfunction, in the original prototype units code, named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, “Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality,” or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed. Some other symptoms:

[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required. The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available, to all repaired units, a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, The Holy Ghost. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer’s warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention.

— Author Unknown